I’m Naomi and I’m a transracial adoptee. I was adopted from Hong Kong in the 1980s into a white British family.
Last year I created a play about adoption and identity called SAME SAME DIFFERENT where adoptees from all over the world were given the opportunity to share their stories in their own words.
This experience led me to find out more about the impact adoption has on a person’s mental health. Growing up, I always thought adoption was a positive thing where a child moved from a place of need into a loving home. But when I was in my twenties, I started hearing people talk about adoption as a form of trauma, which instantly made sense to me.
All adoption involves some kind of loss. Some call the separation from their birth mother a ‘primal wound[i]’ which affects all future attachments, relationships and friendships. An adoptee may be especially sensitive to rejection and have low self-esteem.
As a teenager and through my twenties, I got a lot of validation from sexual relationships and was devastated when they ended. However, long before then I was already suffering from other symptoms of adoption trauma, such as separation anxiety, depression and perfectionism – wanting to be in control of all aspects of my life.
This desire for control is common among adoptees, unsurprising when you consider that many of us come from chaotic, abusive or neglectful backgrounds. These early experiences have a huge impact and can manifest in conditions such as anxiety, PTSD, OCD, depression, ADHD and feelings of grief. In some cases, including my own, issues may not arise for several years, making it even more confusing when they do.
I appeared to be a secure, outgoing, happy child, but when I started primary school I screamed and cried for weeks when my mum dropped me off in the morning. Later, I went from being a star pupil, involved in all kinds of extra-curricular activities, to having what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown, aged 14, where I couldn’t even face leaving the house.
There is also a strong correlation between adoption and addiction with experts saying that trauma is perhaps the greatest predicator of future addiction. During instances of trauma, the levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline in the body are raised. When a baby is removed from its birth mother, they experience reduced serotonin levels, causing stress and an inability to ‘self sooth’.
Adoptees literally have different levels of chemicals in their brains compared to non-adoptees and this may mean they turn to drugs, alcohol, gambling and sex addiction to try and regulate the chemicals in their body and to feel ‘normal’.
Transracial adoptees, like myself, may face additional problems related to identity and self-image. Growing up in a family or a community that doesn’t look like you and lacks any racial mirrors, we can feel confused about who we are as well as isolated and inadequate. I can never be white, but I don’t feel authentically Chinese either. We can feel like frauds or fakes in our own homes, particularly when we compare ourselves to people from our birth culture.
I think one of the best kept secrets of adoption is how it increases the adoptees’ likelihood of attempting suicide. According to a study carried out over a 10 year period at the University of Minnesota (published in 2013), adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adoptees. That’s a higher percentage than war veterans versus civilians. So why do people persist in calling us ‘lucky’ and ‘saved’?
If you do a Google image search for adoption you will be bombarded with pictures of happy families and sentimental memes. This dominant narrative of adoption being all rainbows and sunshine places an unhealthy pressure on adoptees. They think they ‘should’ be happy and grateful. If they’re not, then there must be something wrong with them. This, to me, is the root of negative self-image. If they dare to express their unhappiness or doubts about adoption, they may get shut down in a weird form of gaslighting.
This year Adoptee Remembrance Day is on 30th October. This is a day to remember adoptees who have died by suicide or who have been murdered by their adoptive families. It is an opportunity to recognise the loss inherent in adoption.
It aims to shine a light on the shame and isolation many adoptees live with every day, and to tell the world that adoption involves working through complex emotions and that some of us don’t make it.
[i] This term comes from Nancy Newton Verrier’s 1993 book The Primal Wound which has been called “the adoptee Bible”.
Naomi Sumner Chan is a Manchester-based Playwright, Dramaturg , theatre-maker and leads Brush Stroke Order, a new writing company producing original work. You can read Naomi’s full bio here.